


P.S. I Love You

by xDestinyIsCallingx



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, That's it, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 08:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16171574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xDestinyIsCallingx/pseuds/xDestinyIsCallingx
Summary: Jim and Spock have parted ways and Jim finds it hard to reach out and make things right.





	P.S. I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This possibly will have a counter part but in Spock's perspective, set immediately after the five year mission ends.

Kirk sat at the bay window looking out at the rather gray day in San Francisco a pen in his hand, thinking. He sighed and looked down at the blank piece of paper. This was ridiculous, how hard was it to just write something, anything? He turned his head to stare outside once again, noticing the few rain drops starting to appear sporadically on the window now. He finally put pen to paper deciding to at least start the letter with who it was to. He wrote the name, stopping to look at it. He had thought of that person a lot since they had parted, it was odd to think that now it was difficult for him to even look at the name without feeling sad. For a moment he just looked down, taking a minute to fondly contemplate it.

  
_My dearest Spock,_

  
Funny, how just a name can cause a reaction. A small smile crept onto his face as he started writing what he felt.

  
_I know it's been quite some time,_

  
Nearly two years. He thought morosely.

  
_But, I thought I'd drop a line to see how you are doing. I know there are more conventional ways to ask this but you know me, I'm a sentimentalist. I know it's been a while since our last correspondence but I've found myself being stumped on what to say. Not knowing how to best broach our not talking. Funny, isn't it? Going through all that we did and becoming as close as we had and not knowing what to say. What is there to write? What is there to say? That's what I keep asking myself as I sit here and look down at the blank page. I'd tell you about myself but truth be told there's not a thing to say._

_While I write this the weather has turned for the worst, I can't help but think the weather has changed to represent how I feel. The dullness of the city, the gray sky, so bland and colourless that I can't help but to compare myself to it all. I thought I remembered San Francisco more lively, more... well, just more._

_I can't believe I just reverted to talking about the weather. How impersonal. I don't know why it's so hard to do this. To say what I really want to say. Would it be too brazen of me, too inconsiderate to say that I miss you? Because I do, old friend. I've had a lot of time to think since we last were together and I've come to realise that I have betrayed you in the worst way._

_I don't know if I've ruined things forever and I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't think I would if it were me. I'd try to make you understand but to be perfectly honest with you my faithful companion I don't think I can even make myself understand why I decided to take the promotion. I know it may be useless to try and fix things now but I thought you at least deserved to know that I'm sorry. I looked you in the eye that day we returned from our five year mission and I promised you I wouldn't let them take the Enterprise away from me, that I'd reject any proposals of me becoming admiral. I'd say I can only imagine how I hurt you, but I don't have to, I am living with the consequences of what my actions caused._

_I'm not too sure what I intended with this letter, perhaps a last, pitiful attempt to make amends. But I'll admit, it's odd, this feeling of simultaneously missing you and yet hoping you stick to your guns and spurn me, after all it's the least I deserve._

_I_ _guess all I can ask of you is to not disregard everything we shared because of my mistake. We suffered and achieved so much, we became a family on that ship, not everyone can say that, not everyone is that lucky._  
_I know you have returned to Vulcan to complete the discipline of Kolinahr. I'm not entirely familiar with what it entails but I do know what the desired result is. If you have made up your mind to go through with it I have no right to ask you to reconsider, I'm finding I don't have much of a right to much now when it comes to you. In the end all I wish for you is to find contentment however or wherever you can and in whatever form it comes in._

_Oh, just before I go I thought I might add that I ran into Bones the other day. He's been doing a tour of sorts, a talk about his medical findings he found during our mission. I heard he might even be going to Vulcan, I thought you'd like to know._

_Well, Spock my best and dearest friend, there is nothing else for me to say except that each day that passes since we parted seems like a year._

 

_Always, Jim_

_p.s._

_One last thing. As you'll never see this I'll permit myself to take one last liberty. There are many things I wish I could do again, things I maybe should have said. As I doubt I will ever be able to say it to your face I'll say it now._

  
_I love you_

  
Jim looked at the last line sadly. If only he had the courage to say such things. How could he though? He didn't even know if such sentiments would have driven Spock away faster or even sooner. He read through the letter one more time then after re-reading the last lines again he crumpled it up and threw it across the room.

He was angry at himself for breaking apart what they had. Why had he agreed to take the position of admiral? He couldn't even remember anymore. Whatever the swaying point had been, it hadn't been worth it. His friends were scattered to the wind here and there and Spock's friendship which had been the hardest to earn and yet the most worth while and precious to him had been lost. What good were letters filled with apologies and lame explanations? Spock deserved more than that. Jim wanted more than anything to try and reach Spock but he respected the man's decision to leave and find another path, he needed his space and it was the least Jim could do for him now.

The rain had steadily become harder and louder in the room as Jim became more present in the moment, he looked out the window away from staring at the balled up piece of paper, the view outside now an unclear mess of dull colours. He focused on his reflection for a moment and how it was distorted by the heavy downpour streaming down the glass, he looked away not being able to hold his own gaze for very long. Suddenly, thunder rumbled through the empty apartment. He wondered then if Vulcan ever had storms, or if it was like it's inhabitants, steady and with not much fluctuation in it's status quo.

Jim looked to the time, he was expected in a meeting in the hour. He'd never really liked them but his new position meant he was required to attend quite a few. Jim Kirk was not the sort of man that you looked at and went, "Oh, classic pencil pusher." That he was not, but it seemed steadily they were pushing more and more desk work at him and he was beginning to fear being stuck behind that infernal desk the rest of his life. Of course he pushed the thought away, he couldn't believe that in the end that was what he would end up as. One good stint as Captain and that was it, having his stories traded around between future captain's and their crew's and eventually vanish into the ether.

He eventually got up and made to get ready but stopped and turned. He gathered up the crumpled letter, straightening it out. Pathetic he thought to himself. He walked to the bathroom and made to drop it into the bin as he passed but his hand wouldn't let it go. He stood there hand held out, holding the letter. He finally dropped his hand in defeat, the letter hanging by his side. He couldn't throw it away. He sat on the bed and flattened it out, being careful not to rip it. Once it was as smoothed out as it was going to get he brushed his fingers gently over Spock's name, feeling once again a wave of regret.

He folded it up neatly and properly and found an envelope to slip it into. He sealed it and opened a drawer beside his bed, inside was a stack of similar looking white envelope's that were tied together with a piece of twine. He pulled them out and placed them in his lap. He pulled at the bow and loosened the twine, placing the latest addition atop the pile. He re-tied them and held the pile in his hand. Each one he had written and started with the intention of sending but by the time he had finished he had realised he had divulged too much really without realising it and ended up creating a stockpile of failed attempts to contact Spock. He felt the weight in his hand a moment longer then returned them to the drawer, for the moment out of sight, out of mind.

He finally tore himself away from nostalgic and melancholy thoughts, getting up to get ready and face another day. Before he left he looked one last time to the draw that held too much of himself. He'd end up coming home tonight and reading through each one and once again contemplate destroying them but then he'd weaken and persuade himself that maybe one day, he'd send them and they'd end up straight back in the draw to start the ritual over again the next night maybe even with a new addition. Just then his communicator beeped, he was expected shortly, he would have little time to dwell during the meeting but much too much time once it was over.

Perhaps something would come up and he would be able to find his way back to captaining a star ship. And maybe they could all be together again. Sometimes he couldn't believe it had been nearly two years but maybe just maybe the universe would be kind and Jim Kirk would be where he belonged, on the bridge of the Enterprise, surrounded by his crew that had become his family and if the universe was feeling especially kind, by his side would be Spock, there as if he had always been and always would be. Just the way it should be. The way it should have always been.

Jim hoped that if there was any true justice to the universe it would come to pass.


End file.
